When It All Falls Apart

Today was one of those days. Nothing could go right, nor did I really put myself in a position to make things right.

After getting oh so close to making it to the next level of my bankroll challenge, I hit a wall. A big wall, a Great Wall sized wall, in every single way possible. I got outplayed, outflopped, outrivered, and overpowered mentally. I put myself on tilt and tried to work through it in the worst way possible - by playing more & taking bigger shots.

Today, I lost about half my bankroll. With each game I felt that I "this was the one", but they never turned out to be.

I tried different games because I just couldn't handle the boredom of playing $5 SNGs anymore. So I jumped to $6 Turbos & Token games. I turned $6 into a $75 token, then blew it all on a SNG trying to bluff even though it was apparent it wasn't going to work. I tried to recover by playing $30 SNGs. That left me down $60 more. I played the Mookie and did farely well, but went completely card dead just as the antes were kicking and was left to push 66 into an all in before me. His AQ turned into trips and I was out in twenty-something.

To make things worse, I'm in the same problem as last time. I could really use the bankroll money right now. So, at least once today, I did the smart thing. I cashed most of it out. There's more important things than poker right now, and it took a $200 downswing to realize that.

Right now, I'm just not mentally in the game, so I need to give it a rest. I've got a little bit left in my account, so we'll see where that goes. As for the bankroll challenge, or any kind of serious playing, it's on hiatus for quite some time. Maybe I'll give it another shot sometime next year, maybe not for another year from now. I really don't know.

This is more than just not being able to handle a downswing or playing over my head. This is about doing what's smart. The past month or so I lost the enjoyment factor of playing poker. It became all about increasing my bankroll, little by little, and it wore down on me. Today was the cumulative result of several hours of grinding it out and only seeing a small amount of progress. I tried to accelerate it and it didn't work. I know myself well enough to know that the only way to prevent it is to take a break, and I really don't see myself taking a break as long as I have money in my account. So I'm taking it out & using it for more important things. I wish I would have realized this $200 ago, but right now, I'm trying to focus on the bright side of things. I haven't cashed out $200 in poker earnings in a long time. So at least I have that.

Good luck to everyone in the upcoming BBT2. I wish I could join you, but I've got more important things to focus on.